Disappointment

The Merriam-Webster definition of “disappoint” is “to make (someone) unhappy by not being as good as expected or by not doing something that was hoped for or expected”.

This perfectly describes my experiences in the library environment.  I started full of vim and vigor at a small branch library where I became disillusioned with the institution after two restructures in five years.

From here I moved into a much larger organisation where I discovered a rigid structure that felt impossible to navigate.

I am now entering my fifth year in this organisation and I have come to the end of my library adventure.  I continue to work here however I now am on the hunt for anything to take me away from what has become an endless drudge.

How did I come to this point you may ask.  Through a combination of the worst factors of incompetent bureaucracy and managerial indifference.

I am aware that no job is perfect and that fighting against every single decision that management makes is futile and frustrating.  Every employee must pick their battles otherwise you will burnout in any job.

I used to be a conscientious employee, proud to do a good job, now I have become a warm body in the workplace that does not give a fuck about clients or colleagues.  I have gradually come to this place after receiving no positive feedback from my manager and getting a completely average performance appraisal every year and seeing colleagues who were terrible at their job never suffer consequences for their poor performance.

I want to be that positive person again who is challenged by their job and is trusted to show good judgement when making a decision.  In other words I want to be a person again.